running to, not away

yam who I yam

2012-01-29T17:37:00.001-08:00

Rather not defuse or weaken the obsessiveness that comes across vindictive in the midst of something that matters to me, when I know Ive never executed or taken pleasure in revenge ~ and if I preoccupy myself about what [someone] thinks of me, then that is in line with who I am, and guess what, I’ll get over it momentarily ~ I think that diluting who I happen to be on the bad side would lesson my awesomeness and erase the real me. If I ever run out of passion, I’ll stop caring and doing things well. And what would fuel me to keep running when I dislocate my toe, or fracture my shin - etc - mile after mile and beyond?

When you do tone it down, and stop caring, this is what I guess they call jaded or cynical – a symptom of life - a defense mechanism – but people who have known me a long time know, that I wouldn’t change a single bad thing that has happened to me – not one moment of pain or sadness or disappointment. It all makes me better and stronger (James 1:2-3)

Not reacting or feeling emotions doesnt make you stronger or better - its sad and weak.

I can talk slower if that makes more sense, but it doesn’t matter. Writing is medicinal – like running for me. It was time for Tumblr to go - and I had my reasons, but it does feel good to write some stuff out - so I guess I'm back here - a little bit. And for more therapy, while its cold, I guess I’ll keep taking my lifting to extremes and sweat it out.

I get let down & I let people down. I don’t always make the best choices. I deeply honestly hope that I have never hurt anyone as much as I've been hurt - and if I have, I didnt mean it and I remember this when I do get screwed, I tell myself, maybe they dont even know.

I hope I get to run New Orleans in a few weeks – and I hope Steve runs it with me.

I have lots of hopes and I see that as a good sign – a sign that I’m NOT jaded – because if I truly were, that’d mean I lost my faith, and I couldn’t hope for anything – and I still do - I do.

:-)

chronicle

2010-11-25T15:11:00.000-08:00

If you even close to knew me, you wouldn’t wonder what I mean by what I say. I’m neither mysterious nor obscure. Could I be more direct? I mean give me a break.

Some people are comfortable blending in with the wallpaper. Others naturally cause tribulation, or at least some sort of disruption no matter what they touch.

I can remember, as clear as today, interactions with people when I was a small child – especially adults. I could always tell what they were thinking. I attract them like a magnet, and I’m attracted to them – all sorts, shapes and sizes. Some I want to help, some I want to learn from, some I long to change, some are just a challenge of sorts. A select few I long to impress.

I share too much – I don’t hold back – I trust, I hurt, I grow, I try. I never stop trying.

Everything doesn’t fit into the boxes that make sense.
If I really am anointed, as my name suggests – I hope my purpose is to touch and influence lives in a positive way.

I’ve seen my eulogy in my visions – I can’t see who’s saying it, and I can’t clearly hear the words – but I feel like each day I live I am writing it as the story unfolds – and I want it to make my sons proud !

sparkles

2010-11-10T17:19:00.001-08:00

Automatically searching for something but never realizing what exactly it is. So we’re always trying to define it and justify it then achieve it. All the way wondering, even when we get it, if it was what we were after all along. Worse than never accomplishing what we’re after, is the notion we may have made an effort in the wrong direction. So I tell my friend to stop trying to make it make sense. Be in the moment my friend. Never lament. Especially don’t think reflections aren’t perfectly ok – I mean what is the point having any experiences if we cant learn from them right – and for that matter, don’t feel the need to define everything – every change isn’t a sign of crisis – and if you cant take responsibility for causing changes, then step back and get out of the way.

Always been a giver – so now I give myself permission to receive – every little thing, from attention to compliments to time – and I can need them and deserve them and enjoy them – and that’s ok too.

So can you.

Each and every day of your life is full of choices. I used to ask myself what day would be the day I would START choosing better – then one day it just clicked.

I want to touch many lives and leave behind sparkles.

validity ~ reality

2010-03-31T20:03:00.000-07:00

Running brings lessons in the form of hurt. After my first race, (the Army Ten Miler), I learned how important it is to lubricate all moving parts if running for two hours or more. After the Run Through the Grapevine 8k Cross County, I learned that the day after a race, you may feel fine, but you’re extremely vulnerable and at risk of serious injury (such as a back sprain). Then my first half marathon showed me how, hungry or not, you need to eat essentials such as potassium and electrolytes before taking on 13+ miles, or you can get a Charlie-horse-cramp that intensifies into crippling waves of pain if you stop or slow down. These types of lessons, the hurting ones, aren’t easily forgotten.

I feel that I have challenged myself more and more with each race, and my next endeavor, the Marine Corps Full Marathon, continues this tradition. When people wonder why I do this, I don’t always try to explain much beyond saying “It’s Personal.” But, I thought tonight, I might try to articulate it.

Running started as something that was simply enjoyable. Most people know, as a matter of science, running produces hormones that make you feel better. Taking it to the level of racing is a technique I use to fulfill something deep down inside me. It is the same undefeatable spirit that made my tiny four-pound-body survive and thrive, when it wasn’t the probable diagnosis. Many years later when they weren’t sure if I’d come of out the coma, or then even walk, that same element motivated me to prove otherwise.

Some things can only be felt, and not explained, so I might not be able to do this. For example, I used to imagine what it would be like to love a child of my own before I was a mother. I knew what it felt like to love my mom, and siblings, and grandparents and pets. But I truly had no idea until I experienced it for myself. It is not something that can be articulated or calculated, it has to be experienced.

On an entirely other matter, there is the faith argument. Other people’s opinions don’t normally make me mad – not the opinions anyways – maybe the part where people resent MY opinions, or feel entitled to judge mine.

For example, and yes I know I have said this before – but how do you know what you know? Is it because you read it or heard it or saw it or felt it? News Week just did an article about ‘scholars’ who decided to decide which parts of the bible are or are not true. These are professors of theology from universities all around the country color code scripture based on its validity and accuracy. Nice.

Oh poor conned little me. Isn’t it pathetic that I invest all this emotion and energy into what you don’t choose to believe? Is one choice more intelligent than the other, and how is that? Why is it so incredible? Can nothing happen outside the parameters of natural law? I think knowledge is bigger than a priori argument.

I think it is just as much a faith statement to accept scientific positions that have been tested or measured to a point deemed suitable and acceptable within parameters already defined. What is conclusive? Who challenged it? Living with hope isn’t weak and neither am I. I don’t lack an ability to fathom the unfathomable. Stop and notice a flower today, or an insect, or a bird song. No logic or deductive reasoning told me to love my sons when I held them for the first time. And God loves me.

I will wake up tomorrow, if given that gift, and the first thing I will do is run.

Happy New Year

2009-12-31T07:42:00.000-08:00

2009 came and went and so much happened. Here are some highlights and reflections:

- I literally reached the highest and lowest points of my career (in that order), which in and of itself was an emotional rollercoaster that I have yet to fully recover from (theoretically and practically).
- I was placed in a situation where I had the opportunity to stand up and shine and I failed miserably, resulting in consequences I deserve. (Although I am not who I was portrayed in a pathetic tactic to eliminate me, I definitely screwed up and am thankful I’m not [in that particular situation] anymore).
- I reconnected with people I lost touch with many years ago, some of whom have made a great impact on me, in many different ways.
- I ran my first race, and a few others. I am on track with my training and have other races scheduled. (Thank you Donna for being along my side).

Although I asked forgiveness for my actions, and surrendered the burden of judgment over those I feel wronged by, I have not let it go completely. It crosses my mind every day. I decided that every time I let my mind go over offenses that I am insulting God and suggesting I might handle and vindicate better than Him, and for that I struggle to improve.

More than anything, I am disappointed in myself for letting God down.
He kept calling out to me. I had signals just shy of a burning bush, yet I did not turn to look and listen.
I KNEW what was going on and I heard Him calling me in, and I turned away!

I have friends who have endured tribulations and tragedy far greater than I could ever imagine, which puts things into humble perspective. (Carol, you amaze me).

I’ve spent the last few months at home with my family, during which I’ve been able to do a lot of things a fulltime job never gave me time to do. I’ve participated in activities at the school, had coffee and lunch with friends, and

I haven’t figured out yet what I’m supposed to be doing ‘with the rest of my life’ but I know I have to maintain my focus and priorities no matter where I end up. Oh how I desire to be part of something meaningful.

Sorry, ‘Brian and Michelle’; and ‘Brian and Misti’ – for missing your weddings.

Sorry kids for not taking you to Disney, AGAIN.

And that was the year.

And so after over-eating a delicious dinner, I think to myself, I am an excellent cook. I don’t follow recipes, I just make stuff up, and it turns out great. I could have had a restaurant or sold cook books or had a cooking show. I didn’t.

I give good advice and could have been a therapist. I could have been a tv personality or a talk-show-host.
I’m a great talker with a charming personality, and I’m smart and funny. These things have done me no good so far in life.

I love animals and they ‘get’ me, so I could have chosen an animal-related career. I even dreamed I’d go to vet school as a child. Rather than that, I rebelliously avoided school altogether.

I’ve had a lot of great ideas that will never meet fruition lest someone else follows them through. I’m an ok singer and have natural theatric tendencies. I am also a decent writer. None of the aforementioned having ever been utilized. They’re just wasted talent. Seems like a shame.

Like so many of us, I could be in much better shape. I could have put cream on myself during pregnancy to avoid stretch marks. I could have exercised and eaten healthier early on when I was an invincible twenty-something. But I didn’t.

At the end of any given day I could sometimes say that I was successful or at least met the challenges and expectations that I faced, but I could never feel good about the overall purpose of my efforts and the effect it had on the world. As much as I love the Lord and witnessing about it, and feel compelled to do charity, I’ve hardly done either.

What I am now is unemployed with no direction and very little confidence. I’m really not looking forward to doing anything, and I’m not even good at the mom and wife thing. Not as good as I think my kids and husband deserve at least, as I hold myself to a no-exception standard of perfection, leaving me as a miserable failure most of the time.

I understand that no one is perfect, but I wonder why I don’t have more motivation. More than that I wonder how to create motivation in my kids. I see them, William especially, living way below his potential. I don’t know how much of that is hereditary, inbreed or developed. Is it there and then when ignited its swiftly extinguished by doubt and worry?

I never had a star part in the school play, but I should have. I didn’t sing solo in choir, but I could have.
I was voted on the court, but never the prom queen. I didn’t excel at any one sport, and I was capable of straight As, but instead I meandered on a lazy path of mere survival.

To make matters worse, on more than one occasion, I’ve behaved in a way that I’m not proud of. I’ve had my priorities shamefully misplaced when I could have been humble and thankful instead. And I’ve knowingly succumbed to temptations of varied sorts, almost as if I was blatantly testing my margin of protection.

I’ve not written this to elicit feedback of encouragement or disputing my shortcomings. No one is more aware of them than I am. Many of us must feel similarly. I’m writing it out as if a prophetic epiphany will come out of it.

This is not composed in a depressed voice. It is not negative at all. It is very matter-of-fact. I haven’t lost all sense of hope but I definitely seek direction.

I’m not fat or skinny, tall or short, smart or ignorant, gorgeous or hideous. I’m just me. And that is ok.
Something I have always known but did not accept before is that I am only responsible for myself. In 2010 I wont carry the burden of anyone else’s actions. That isn’t me giving up on me or on you, it is just me facing reality. I might not have stood up in the midst of ugly circumstances and revealed a righteous character, but thank you God I have another chance tomorrow! Come along 2010, lets have at it.

You Can Do It

2009-11-01T15:18:00.000-08:00

I’m no expert but from my limited racing experience cross-county-running is much more challenging than “regular” marathon (flat road) running! There isn’t a muscle on my body that I didn’t use (and can feel it now).

At least on a road there’s a pretty good chance that you know where and how your foot will land. Today, I didn’t know if it would land in a hole, or on a rock or root. When it landed in mud, it would twist 180 degrees, and I had to push off on a turned foot (ouch).

I got whipped in the face with thorns; had to duck under limbs; struggled between embankments and slopes to stay on a narrow, slick path. When I saw miles markers for 1, 2 and 3, I was greatly discouraged having felt like I was much further along.
I was once at a point where I had to literally crawl and claw my way up a hill as steep as a staircase. I fell backwards and the poor guy behind me caught me and pushed me up by my derriere!

I went through a stream (didn’t have the nerve to try to jump over it). And the hills put the hills I do daily at home in perspective.
The best part of the story though, was when a deer, (I kid you not), came plowing through the forest and brushed past my chest out of nowhere. It was going about 40 mph. I screamed so loud people with ipods blaring turned and looked back. Several people asked me if I was ok, and after a few seconds of shock, I felt a tremendous adrenaline rush and finished the last couple miles of this race much like my last two races…at full blast. I had people coming up to me afterwards referring to me as ‘deer lady’ and I did grab a few to verify my story when I was telling it to Donna!

Donna and I had our usual post-race-beer and a nice chat. We put the whole experience into a meaningful angle. You make the decision to try a race, and you take action by registering. Then, despite your plans, you have choices daily to prepare or not. The more you train, the better off you’ll do, and the safer you’ll be. You are still faced with a choice on race-day, right up until its time to lineup to the start. You don’t ask yourself if all the circumstances I described above, and many more like them, are going to occur. You just run. You don’t worry and hesitate when realizing and contemplating all of the real and significant dangers and harm could likely transpire. You just run. And when its over, sometimes you have wounds to lick and times that didn’t meet your hopes and expectations. But it doesn’t stop you from doing it again – you just do!

Friends, please do that everyday. Do it in your life. I'm not suggesting we throw caution to the wind and proceed through life carelessly. I am saying that a little more faith and a lost less fret is the way we should live.

Make choices, and make them for the right reasons. Never let worry or doubt sway you. Never hesitate because of what may or may not happen, because you WILL adjust, no matter what!!! You will duck when you have to, turn when you have to, crawl when you must and pick yourself up when you fall. Just run!

HARDER FASTER BETTER STRONGER

2009-10-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

What do I mean?

I mean knowing what I know now, I should be injured by now with pushing it too hard and long and fast, without proper training or conditioning. Luckily that is not the case.

So I'm sure there is much more to learn, and the positive side of my current state of unemployment is that I could train daily. I realize I will have to be even the more disciplined to stay 'on the wagon' once I am blessed with a job. But it will be back to running in the dark or on the treadmill, both of which I do not enjoy.

Meanwhile, I’ve learned that I should walk down hills not run, and run up them. Part of the reason for this is that you naturally lean forward going up and back going down, and the back lean is hard on calves, shins and knees. And so again, I’m lucky so far. ‘Proper’ posture goes against gravity, and as a runner, you don’t want to fight it, you want to use it as a resource.

In preparation for my longest race in March, a Half Marathon, I will have to decrease my daily distances, and maybe even cut it down to every other day. This will not be easy for me, as running is my drug now, and I need it like coffee. I’m a disgusting mess without it.
I need to do only one ‘long’ run a week. This again, will not be easy for me, I like to do a minimum of three, and have been doing more like four per day.
The plan I am trying to follow says for one Long per week, increased plus one mile weekly until race day.

So Sunday is the 8k Cross Country and my goal is one hour.
You know, all of this is a great metaphor for Whole Self Enhancement. As I improve my outward self, I strengthen my inner spirit as well. I feel very strongly that I am right where I need to be right now.

Sure ‘Everything Happens for a Reason’ as an eye-rolling cliché but really, I emphatically proclaim it.

As I fight hard to resist leaning backward down a hill or jogging through my walk-times, I will also resist obsessing over things I could have or should have done to change circumstances that may look disadvantageous on the surface. Especially, when my sharpest stings are caused by a need to improve impressions I left behind (or perceptions that surround me). God’s opinion is all that should matter and I trust that He has allowed me to wind up just the way that I have.

So in the same way that I discover and practice new exercises to do better as a runner, I will seek and find techniques to train my mind to be more fit. Like those running exercises, it will take self-control and hard work!!

And so I continue to run, inside and out.

My First Race

2009-10-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

I have been running off and on for about 7 years, but today was my first official race.
I run approximately three miles per day, at about a 13 minutes mile, so I really didn’t know if I was going to be able to do ten miles. I also didn’t know if I could maintain the minimum requirement of a fifteen minute mile up to the five mile marker. Its not that I was worried or nervous, but it just wasn’t realistic.
I did it.

I saw Steve and the kids just between the 5 and 6 marker, and boy did that inspire me! It lifted me up. Had I not stopped twice to wait in line for a porta-potty (after one coffee and two ½ gatoraids), I would have missed them. The timing was perfect, Thank you God. I passed by them just minutes after they arrived. Had they not driven around for an hour looking for parking, I also would have missed them. Try to imagine what 30,000 runners looks like. It was so unlikely that we would have seen each other. Just as I thought about them, I spotted them.
Pretty Amazing!

There was a woman in front of me for a while who’s shirt read “With God all things are possible”.
I know that verse is from Luke 1:37 and Mark 10:27. It also inspired me.
As did the runners with missing limbs, the elderly runners, beeping cars driving by, and the wonderful supporters along the entire journey with cow bells and whistles and smiles and high-fives! It is difficult to explain the affect it had on me. It’s a bit too huge for words.

I sweated out my stresses and aggressions. I’m sure the GU helped but something from deep inside me was fueling me and kept me from experiencing any fatigue or pain. I hate to quote Britney Spears but I could feel the adrenaline in my veins like fire.

I literally sprinted the last two miles at full speed, weaving in and out of everyone. I crossed the finish line in a surreal moment that almost felt like an out-of-body experience.

I leave the whole day behind me with a sense of accomplishment, and a closeness to God that I haven’t felt in way too long. I’m thankful for my trials and tribulations and confident that all things happen just the way they’re supposed to.

Thanks again To Donna ~ and To Steve ~ Couldn’t/wouldn’t have done it without you both. And to all of you wonderful supporters for you words of encouragement and e-love!!!

Love you,

Kirsten

ps My Time and Pictures will be posted at 8pm tonight!

so beautiful

2009-09-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite pictures.

Tip toe tip toe around and around in a circle, and then, just live for a second.

Life is beautiful

the world isnt supposed to be just

2009-09-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

Someone recently told me to stop using my past as a crutch. I don’t. No one that knows me would say that.
They knew me before and they know me after and they know the truth.
My past doesn’t define me nor hold me back. Of course I am the sum of all the events that occured in my life - good and bad - and so are you.
I don’t tell stories and I don’t recollect. It's not even really real anymore.
I can’t help the interest. I didn’t ask for it nor encourage it.
I struggle now to repair the erroneous perception I have managed to obtain for myself in a particular environment. At least I used to.
Then I think back to different people, in different places over time, who I prayed I could win over, and they don’t matter at all anymore. So I’m not wasting my prayers this time!
Anyway you slice the situation I know that I need to refocus my attention and priorities. I will continue to do my very best and never stoop to the level where those who betray me linger.

When it’s all said and done, I know the truth, and so does God, and it’s not my place to rectify or vindicate.

If I can quit smoking cold-turkey, I can overcome my burning desire to call-out the people who phony their way through life and smell like a rose. They’ll get there’s one of these days – or maybe they wont – but either way, I’ll still be able to sleep at night!!

I am

2009-07-14T17:22:00.001-07:00

On the way to the camp I called to let them know I was picking the kids up early for an appointment, but when I arrived, they were at the pool, rather than waiting for me. After a good ten or fifteen minutes one of the pastors questions the ladies in the office as to while the kids weren’t back yet. We made a little small talk and it occurred to me there might be a good reason I had this extra time to talk to the pastor, and I didn’t feel too worried or upset about the appointment that was a good twenty minutes away.

In our small talk he asked me if my kids went to school there. I explained to him that my eldest child went there for a couple of years, but then we relocated to another county so that I could stay home with the kids, and we’d since moved back, but couldn’t afford to send them there, since we still owned the other house, in addition to our new one. I told him if we were able to sell the other place, we’d enroll them.

He looked stunned. I was puzzled. He then showed me a short article he had just finished reading in his daily bread publication. It was almost the exact same story. It ended with the home being sold. He told me to be encouraged by what had just transpired.

I am.

value

2009-06-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

I received an email about a neighbor who was selling her house and moving, with a list of items for sale. All of the things were very nice. There was media-furniture, refrigerators, patio furniture, bar stools, a grill, and a pool table.
I figured this was just another case of people who got in over their heads. Afterall, this was one of, if not the very nicest home in the neighborhood.
I responded to the email that we were interested in a few of the things, so we were told to come over, because there was a lot of interest.
Walking through the home, I felt such sadness. Every inch of this home, from the extra wide driveway that circles around a fountain, to the priceless view from the gorgeous deck, was immaculate and impeccable. There was no option unrealized inside, and the decorating was outstanding.
There were several of us there. We all walked around admiring the place.
All of this amazement was quickly disrupted by the screams of a small child. We found one of our neighbor’s sons outside, bleeding on the patio. He and Justin were playing tag and he’d fallen. So off to the ER she went with him.
Now back to the story. We decided to get the pool table. But before we did, we found out how this all happened. The reason it was just the wife walking around showing things to us, is that the husband went away on a business trip, and died of a heart attack.
Now I can not even explain how I felt walking around. I was seeing everything differently.
I went from obsessing on the inside that this home that is twice the size of ours, and originally was sold for one and a half million bucks was going to sell for significantly less than I bought mine for less than a year ago – to realizing that none of it mattered.
As this poor woman stood in her dream home, vultures (us) salvated over her belongings and she watched it all, piece by piece, walk away, in exchange for personal checks amounting to no where near the original purchase prices.
I wished I’d never seen the email. I stood before her with a dramatic empty face.
She told me I didn’t need to say anything. I hugged her. She was so beautiful.
I can not understand.

weekend

2009-05-25T05:33:00.000-07:00

The traffic, the congestion, the lines – all I want is a drink. I’ll take anything. I’m so thirsty!
Memorial Day Weekend looks worse than Black Friday. What about the economy?
Ok , I’m just going to pull into a gas station and get an ice coffee because all the drive-thrus are too packed.

Wow, that was insane! Not only was the line out of control, psychos fueled by idiocy were beeping and cutting one another off just to get a space AT THE GAS STATION!

I feel the rage flowing through my veins. Wait! What’s that flying through the air?

It was a bird carrying a long white ribbon. All the noise and action around me stopped while I watched it. I didn’t hear the nincompoops for just a moment. It was almost in slow motion.

I felt God telling me to be calm and have peace. The bird flew away.

The next day, same story. I was determined this time, to get a haircut – a drastic one. I couldn’t wait for enough inches for locks-of-love. I needed to get this massive blanket of hair off me today. (I get my haircut once every one or two years, so it’s always drastic, but I had a picture with me this time)

None of the salons are open. Damnit.

I drive all around town. I have now made a complete circle around the town and am going to take one more pass through in search of an open shoppe.

At a light I see a fender bender occur at the upcoming intersection. Mini-van vs mini-van. The woman driver gets out of the offending Odyssey. She is visibly shaken. Will the approaching guy point at her and yell at her and wave his arms up into the air in disbelief? He does not. First he looks at the back of his van. Then he sees how sorry she is – how scared she is. We’re all watching him.

He gives her a hug. You can see the relief radiating out of her body. Her posture relaxes. I thought she might faint or fly. It was so sweet. They pat one another on the back, nod at each other, smile and proceed to drive away from the mini-accident without calling the police or exchanging insurance information.

This touches me. I hope everyone watching smiled. This could have worked out so differently, and normally it would. Basic human decency shouldn’t be an unusual occurrence. Should it?

To top it all off, the notes I have prepared for a meeting I intend to call have expanded into five pages. My morning trek with my doggie is one of the ideal times for me to hear God whispering advice. Maybe all five pages can be summed up into just one sentence? This is going to be difficult. ..

do as I say...

2009-05-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

It is ok, or at least normal, to be somewhat concerned about what certain people think of me. Not all people, and definitely not most, not anymore at least – but in particular, there are just a few people that I have definitely spent a moment or two thinking about. Ok, not just thinking – some I have and still do actually spend time going over in my head about what I should have said, or how it would have been more effective/impressive, as well as what I plan to say at the next opportunity.
Today was no exception.
Someone took credit for my work or my idea, or so many things I do go unnoticed and I want to receive acknowledgment and recognition….
Well I’m at the daycare now – I’ll just obsess about all that later.
Justin – ‘Mom, she is so mean to me every day, and today you heard her, but the teachers never see it and neither does her mom.
Me – ‘That is not fair and I know how you feel. You want the teachers to see her being mean to you and you want her to get in trouble. Its really not fair, but I do know how you feel. I think God would prefer for you to worry about noticing the things that you can improve on, and trust Him to have the teachers and her mom find out whatever it is He wants them to know about her. Because you know He knows about you, and that is all that should matter.
Oh boy.
So –
I guess I should stop planning and rehearsing and consuming over the idea that I want and need so badly to be seen in a certain way by particular individuals – I mean, its not like there haven’t been enough cases in life where I got away with things or lucked-out – so, it all comes full circle – and it will keep on going.

Phil 3:12

2009-03-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

While driving I was having different feelings, but mostly anger.

Although fully aware of my many blessings, I still felt sorry for myself.

I was mad at the people who had wronged and hurt me.

I spoke to God as I was driving. I told Him - as if He needed me to inform Him, how I was not unkind in return, and wondered how He was going to pay me back for my suffering.

He answered, "I already did."

home sweet home

2009-03-01T04:17:00.000-08:00

We woke up to a snow covered wonderland on the first day of March.

I love when the snow covers everything like a clean, fluffy blanket - every blade of grass and every branch. It was especially refreshing in other areas where I have lived in my life, from standard neighborhoods, to city ghettos – where the snow covered all the ugliness temporarily.

Still, even out here where it is beautiful and doesn’t need to be covered, it just makes me smile. Soon it will be disrupted by footsteps, sled tracks, tire marks and dog doo. But it is still early in the morning, so for just a little while longer, it is pristine.

Out here we are close enough to everything to be at the mall or outlets or any sort of shopping or restaurants in just a few minutes – even the city or airport are less than an hour. Yet we are far enough away that the distant landscape is mountains, not buildings – and the stars are able to sparkle brilliantly at me each morning, like a wink from God. No matter which sort of day I have, it closes with the sun disappearing in all it’s splendor behind a skyline of blue rolling hills. It is so peaceful.

It is important to mention that all this would be cancelled out if we didn’t have such wonderful neighbors. To say the least it is a breath of fresh air, after the five-year-long bizarre drama we left behind, to have genuinely caring and fantastic people all around us here!

I really love it here and am so thankful that God has blessed us with this new home.
All we need to do now is find a church home (and someone to take the old house off our hands).

2009-02-28T13:21:00.000-08:00

I love moments like this. I love seeing them just walking through the woods in our yard, going on some sort of boy-adventure or another. Justin spends a lot of time being dragged from William-event to William-event. William quite possibly is annoyed more often than not by his little brother. But it’s times like this when I love to be looking out my kitchen window just in time to see them side by side on a mission. I don’t know if they are going to find salamanders under rocks, or find animal bones, or a box turtle – but they are together. For all the fights – especially in the car – these are the moments that I love and hope they will recall when thinking back to their childhoods as adults.

who knows

2009-02-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

We know what we've 'learned' from books and tv and teachers. We know what we believe and understand. We know what we have experienced. This all does not always match up, but if carefully considered, can all be combined to make an overall decision or proclamation.
There is also an instinct and a naturally pre-programmed desire, and for those of us willing to listen, there is a higher level of sensation.
I don’t meet too many people who stand where I do. I’m not over there on that side, or over there on the other side, but definitely somewhere either in the middle or above it all.